I’m sitting in the house of the family I babysit for at the moment. I am watching their dog, Dexter, for the weekend while the whole family is out of town. I just took him for his evening walk and came back to work on some transcribing (riveting stuff, I tell you).
The past few days, I have been processing the events of the last several weeks, even the last year. See, I’ve been having some serious signs of anxiety – chest pains and numbness and tingling in my arms. Lumps in my throat and back and shoulder aches.
The anxiety really all started a week ago, when Joe was seriously injured in a BASE jumping accident in Switzerland. Since last Tuesday, he’d been in a hospital in Switzerland, sometimes scared, sometimes in pain, sometimes in surgery. He’s lucky to be alive, and he’s in one piece, and expected to walk and thrive again (he’s even continuing with his med school apps while at the hospital) but it’s been very hard to have him away for so long, without the ability to readily contact him.
In the meantime, he and I are going through a bit of a troublesome time – for reasons that are not really for everyone – and it’s been hard to cope with both of these things at the same time. My love for him and my concern for us are, in many ways, at odds. Though we both love each other very much and are committed to each other, it is hard.
Being alone in my apartment doesn’t do much to help. Everything in there reminds me of him, of course! Which is wonderful, because I miss him terribly and wish I could be sitting beside him in the hospital – having his presence in our place comforts me. But it is also awful, because it reminds me that he isn’t there, and that he wont be back for awhile (his take on it is that he’ll be back within 4 weeks if he is lucky, but will be on crutches for several months).
Then in my social life, things are hard. Brandi moved out of town recently, and she was really becoming a great friend – we basically tried to spend at least one day a week with each other. I’m ecstatic for her – she moved in with her boyfriend in a new city – but it’s been hard to try and build up those ties with others. Starting friendships over is very, very difficult on a busy schedule, and I’m very much starting to realize this more and more. (The mom for the family I babysit for has been really awesome though – I love her!) I’m doing my best, especially now that Joe is gone, to fill my schedule, meet people, connect, etc, but it’s kind of rough.
With work, things are hard too. I just took over as managing editor for the South End News – which is really like a kind of dream come true. It is a big task though, and with everything else going on, the difficulty of my responsibilities has been taken to a new level.
Then, a few weeks ago, my grandma died – something that I had prepared myself for, but a devastating loss to my family nonetheless. And just a few weeks before that, Joe experienced his own tragedy in his family that we were dealing with. And money is always a problem. I don’t know if I will be able to continue paying my bills with what I make babysitting and writing. I haven’t been able to freelance any book reviews recently because of how busy I’ve been with everything else. (I’m hoping my job becomes easier as I get the hang of it more and get better at churning out work, but at the moment, it takes up a LOT of time.)
It’s hard, and perhaps impossible, to think about all these things at once, to cope with them and deal.
I also realized, now that Joe is going to be gone for awhile, that I haven’t lived alone in 23 years. I’ve always had roommates or family around. There is a real loneliness, a real…strength, to living alone (even though I know it’s temporary). There is no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to laugh with, no one to hug or fight with. You really must do what you can to get out, to entertain yourself at home, to get your work done so you can go out to play. Companionship is so easy to become accustomed to, and I absolutely did. Weaning myself off of that for the time being is really, very hard. I don’t like it. :(
Needless to say, it’s been a really stressful year since I moved to Boston, and while there have been some huge ups, these downs are overwhelming me.
I know I cant expect perfection from myself – that I can just be as strong as I can, and feel all the things I need to feel, and do the best that I can with what I have. And I’ve been doing a very good job of deep breathing, so there have been no real panic or anxiety attacks – just the symptoms.
This weekend is supposed to be full of fun – going to the climbing gym and pooling off the coast of MA and next week, a movie with a new friend and her girlfriend. I’m hoping getting myself into the gear of doing these things will give me a little boost, will allow me to form some of those relationships that will help keep me strong, that will make my life a little richer, that will sustain me.
For now, though, it’s just deep breathing and doing the best I can. Hopefully Deter can keep me warm at night for the next few days too. Maybe that (along with one of Joe’s shirts for scent) is all I need…
